hmmm.

what is this distance that keeps us from knowing ourselves? where are we really when we're lost in thought but not really thinking? are we always waiting to be delivered from the place we find ourselves? harbouring so many things, deep seeded feelings, that we make such an honest effort to avoid the thought of the things we must face in order to grow. if it is only myself who can truly know where my happiness lies, why are there so many people chiming in...so many people who think they have the answer. what are they answering to? i'm still searching for the questions. and i'm enjoying the search. the arrival at realization is like reaching the peak of a high and rocky mountain. i want to rejoice, to take it all in, to open my arms wide and feel that wind blow across my face. because everyone knows the wind feels different at the top of the mountain.

back to the bracelets.

wow. i've never felt less like myself in a long time. i'm working at a large corporation. doing the things that now, i can't imagine doing after an experience like cambodia. and i can't complain. because i'm here. i put myself here. i'm not this person anymore. i'm on the road to knowing who i am.....finally....and this is not it. this person that everyone expects me to be, expects that i can be. i am not. i know who i am now. that is what cambodia did for me. and now i am here. so what do you do? what does anyone do in this situation? do you bear down and just keep moving in the direction you're going? or do you make the tough decision? it's funny. when i was in cambodia, everyone was proud of me....scared for me,......but proud of me. now that i'm home, no one knows what to think. and i'm, again, just thinking of myself. tonight i was reminded of the girl with the gold bracelets. and i cried. and cried. i have avoided thinking of her. as i think most people trying to be sane would do. but i cannot avoid her any longer. and now i understand why. funny thing is....there are butterflies everywhere.