A good friend of mine once told me that, "Beginnings are scary, endings are sad; it's what's in the middle that counts." But I've found that there isn't much difference between beginnings and endings....they kind of come in a packaged deal.
I just wrapped up my first year of teaching. I learned a lot....probably more than my students learned. I definitely struggled a bit. But I was lucky to have WONDERFUL people around me who kept me afloat. I also finished up a job in the dementia unit of a nursing home (doing art therapy). That job was also a huge learning experience. You know, when you come into a job where you don't know what to expect (which has been every job I've ever had), you worry a lot about whether or not you're any good at it. I spent a lot of time wondering if I was a very good teacher. I dropped the ball, or felt I did, a few times. But I learned from it. Though it was hard, I learned how to ask for help and how to communicate more effectively. The dementia unit was difficult because you could be working and working with a certain resident and come in the next day and they would have no memory of you. Finally, they became more "aware" of me, more used to me. Then I put in my two week notice and left. That was very difficult. I didn't know what good it would do to tell most of them, because I felt they wouldn't remember. I would just be a shadow in their memory, anyhow. But walking out of that place ripped a piece of my heart from my chest. And I can't stop thinking about the impact those residents had on my life.
The last and final job I had to tie up the ends on, was my job as a photo therapist at Stewart-Marchman (a drug and alcohol rehab clinic). The worst part was, I wasn't prepared for the emotions I was going to feel on that last day. I didn't expect them. I've seen a lot of things and have done a lot of "moving on" from where I've been. This was, perhaps, for me, the hardest goodbye I can remember ever saying - even more so than when I left Cambodia. I tried to speak, but my voice would break and then tears would just start falling. So I didn't do much talking that last day. The people that have walked in and out of those doors in the past two years have all made an impact on me. A huge one. I was so afraid when I first walked into that place - not knowing what a bunch of addicts and I would have in common. Come to find out, we are all the same. We all want the same things: to be loved, to give love, to be proud of ourselves and the choices we are making, to succeed at something, to succeed at our own lives. Each one of those clients said something that made me think, something that has worked to make me better. It wrecked me to leave that day. But I will remember it, learn from it, take it with me. Otherwise, it would just be a sadness and would serve no real purpose.
So life is always moving forward, progressing on to the next thing. Sometimes we have a say in it, sometimes we don't. If I've learned anything from any of the people I've worked with, it's the humility and willingness to be IN whatever situation you're in, and knowing that you are the one who chooses HOW to live and operate in it. You choose whether or not to learn from it, you choose to be happy, to be contemplative, to take life seriously or when to lighten up. This living, this life...this is it...for now, anyway. This is it with no guarantees. So why wouldn't we be good to each other? Why wouldn't we go out of our way to help someone else see what we already can?
The next step has arrived for me. I'm less scared/anxious than I thought I'd be...or than I usually am when new chapters begin. Maybe it will hit me when I get there. Maybe I'm just ready. Whatever it is, I'm happy that life has found me here and am relieved to see that the pages are starting to turn again.
