Wow.

I can't believe it's been two years since Cambodia. The next adventure is long overdue.

so...

India. Yeah. I am doing things I have no idea how to do. I am coming straight at this...as if I had a clue. But I believe in it. And I think that's what is going to see me through. I do believe this is going to happen for me. Almost because I kind of can't believe it's happening at all.

India

I've been working for the last three years on finding a way to make photography matter to me on a deeper level. This past year I have been researching and theorizing about a photography/writing program that would use the camera as a tool to encourage creativity, literacy, and critical thinking in children overseas. The light went on. I sent my proposals off to a woman in LA who sent them off to a man in London, and now, the man from London is proposing the program idea to the headmaster of the Druk White Lotus School in India. Maybe it will happen. Maybe it won't. I'll know within the week. 

A New Chapter

A good friend of mine once told me that, "Beginnings are scary, endings are sad; it's what's in the middle that counts." But I've found that there isn't much difference between beginnings and endings....they kind of come in a packaged deal.

I just wrapped up my first year of teaching. I learned a lot....probably more than my students learned. I definitely struggled a bit. But I was lucky to have WONDERFUL people around me who kept me afloat. I also finished up a job in the dementia unit of a nursing home (doing art therapy). That job was also a huge learning experience. You know, when you come into a job where you don't know what to expect (which has been every job I've ever had), you worry a lot about whether or not you're any good at it. I spent a lot of time wondering if I was a very good teacher. I dropped the ball, or felt I did, a few times. But I learned from it. Though it was hard, I learned how to ask for help and how to communicate more effectively. The dementia unit was difficult because you could be working and working with a certain resident and come in the next day and they would have no memory of you. Finally, they became more "aware" of me, more used to me. Then I put in my two week notice and left. That was very difficult. I didn't know what good it would do to tell most of them, because I felt they wouldn't remember. I would just be a shadow in their memory, anyhow. But walking out of that place ripped a piece of my heart from my chest. And I can't stop thinking about the impact those residents had on my life.

The last and final job I had to tie up the ends on, was my job as a photo therapist at Stewart-Marchman (a drug and alcohol rehab clinic). The worst part was, I wasn't prepared for the emotions I was going to feel on that last day. I didn't expect them. I've seen a lot of things and have done a lot of "moving on" from where I've been. This was, perhaps, for me, the hardest goodbye I can remember ever saying - even more so than when I left Cambodia. I tried to speak, but my voice would break and then tears would just start falling. So I didn't do much talking that last day. The people that have walked in and out of those doors in the past two years have all made an impact on me. A huge one. I was so afraid when I first walked into that place - not knowing what a bunch of addicts and I would have in common. Come to find out, we are all the same. We all want the same things: to be loved, to give love, to be proud of ourselves and the choices we are making, to succeed at something, to succeed at our own lives. Each one of those clients said something that made me think, something that has worked to make me better. It wrecked me to leave that day. But I will remember it, learn from it, take it with me. Otherwise, it would just be a sadness and would serve no real purpose.

So life is always moving forward, progressing on to the next thing. Sometimes we have a say in it, sometimes we don't. If I've learned anything from any of the people I've worked with, it's the humility and willingness to be IN whatever situation you're in, and knowing that you are the one who chooses HOW to live and operate in it. You choose whether or not to learn from it, you choose to be happy, to be contemplative, to take life seriously or when to lighten up. This living, this life...this is it...for now, anyway. This is it with no guarantees. So why wouldn't we be good to each other? Why wouldn't we go out of our way to help someone else see what we already can?

The next step has arrived for me. I'm less scared/anxious than I thought I'd be...or than I usually am when new chapters begin. Maybe it will hit me when I get there. Maybe I'm just ready. Whatever it is, I'm happy that life has found me here and am relieved to see that the pages are starting to turn again.

the gravity of water

burning bridges seems to be a business of mine. when the embers stop glowing, i just build another bridge. a different bridge to a different place. and a short distance down that path, i light another match. this is something i'm just now beginning to see, but it's something i've done since i was a child. it's clearer to me now because, it seems that instead of starting the fire from 100 yards away, in the way that i used to, over the years i have gotten closer and closer to the flames. i feel the heat more now than in the past. and most recently, i lit the damn match while i was halfway across. and the fires, these new fires, they burn in slow-motion.

i found a girl once, on the side of the road. i could see the horse running all alone further down the pavement. her face was in the dirt, her ass in the air, her neck bent 90 degrees. i just stood there. my mind had separated itself from my body. i stood there. staring at her. frozen. i don't remember taking a single breath. i don't recall whether or not my heart was even beating. i just stood there.

i can remember that feeling, relive it, as if it were all happening again, right now, all the time, in every moment of my life. it's the same feeling i get when i'm standing on one of these burning bridges. no connection between my body and mind. my emotions paralyzing me. water all around me, everywhere. but i stand still; my eyes full and on fire. my heart will not tell my head to tell my arm to reach out.

i just stood there staring at her. i was the only one. just me, my feet, three feet away from hers. i could not move myself. gravity finally took over. i collapsed. fell to my knees. sunk my fingernails in the dirt and crawled up beside her paled and pained face. i took a breath. asked for her name. i had done it. found a way to reach out for the bucket. but i had waited too long. the heat had stolen the water. no response. i used one hand to remove her hair from in front of her eyes, careful to not touch her face. i saw her. she was young. my age. again, i asked for her name. nothing. just my voice and her shallow, uneasy breaths. and there, on the side of the road, the tears came.

unable to save her. unable to save myself. paralyzed.

something meaningful

so i've been pretty depressed lately and i've finally figured it out. i can't stand working a crappy job for nine hours a day for $6.75 an hour. imagine that. and a job where, no matter what you do, there's always something wrong with it. that's called a corporate job...making coffee for a big-wig brown bean business. yeah. i can't believe the trouble you can get into for pressing a single button on a cash register. ridiculous. and the fact that i work with so many people who actually believe in the crap is unreal. it makes me sad. i see these young kids doing this job, falling into line, following the DUMBASS leader. it's not me. and they are surprised at me. all of a sudden, i am the rebellious employee that needs to be watched and tracked. give me a break. what? because i think for myself, i've committed some horrible crime? well, today was my first day taking control of the adult group at the rehab center (my other job...that i actually find joy and meaning in doing). and it went too well. i left there wishing that i felt every day the way i felt leaving that place. that's the way life should be. maybe it is totally selfish. i mean, it is. feeling that good is selfish. but i love feeling like i'm doing something that matters to someone else. i can't imagine spending a lifetime trying to please someone through a cup of coffee when there are actual problems in the world. there are people who need me. people who need you. they're everywhere. being able to be that person,..being in a place where you CAN be that person...i feel totally blessed. this is what i want to do with my life. i'm dropping off my portfolio at the local newspapers tomorrow and if they show any interest AT ALL, i'm saying goodbye to that coffee company forever. hell, i want to say goodbye anyway. but the way this country works, you have nothing without a constant inflow of greenbacks. isn't it funny, the things we must do, the parts of ourselves we must compromise, in order to survive in this backwards nation?. i think so. it's depressing. no wonder so many people have such a hard time finding a reason to smile. i've found mine. and my happiness, my peace of mind is worth so much more than a dead white man's face.

hmmm.

what is this distance that keeps us from knowing ourselves? where are we really when we're lost in thought but not really thinking? are we always waiting to be delivered from the place we find ourselves? harbouring so many things, deep seeded feelings, that we make such an honest effort to avoid the thought of the things we must face in order to grow. if it is only myself who can truly know where my happiness lies, why are there so many people chiming in...so many people who think they have the answer. what are they answering to? i'm still searching for the questions. and i'm enjoying the search. the arrival at realization is like reaching the peak of a high and rocky mountain. i want to rejoice, to take it all in, to open my arms wide and feel that wind blow across my face. because everyone knows the wind feels different at the top of the mountain.