Tuesday Night Fever

I never realized how homesick actually being sick can make a person. Tuesday night (Wednesday morning), I woke up around 2am sweating and dizzy. I made my way to the toilet and knelt down, leaned over, and became reacquainted with my dinner from the night before. After it was over, it wasn't over. Up came blood, mucus, what looked like bile, and other objects that were completely unrecognizable. I spent the next two nights/three days in bed/next to the toilet. It's Saturday today. I have eaten a small bit of rice, some fruit, and drank pedialite - that has been the extent of my diet for the last few days. I'm tired. My body is tired. But I keep working, keep going to the hospital. I sit on the floor as kids who are much more sick than I have ever been hang over me and cough their little coughs, wipe their little noses, and look up at me like I must have it good. And I do. Compared to what they have, I have everything. Even with my sickness, I'm healthier than they are. I am starting to feel like I'm trying to bail water of a yacht that has already been half-eaten by the river. What can one person do? Really? I can't take anything away. I have a hard time knowing how to give anything. Hell, I have a hard time figuring out how to say "hello". I am officially homesick - unofficially depressed. And if I don't get access to photographing in that hospital soon, I'm going to go insane. Frankly, I suck at making origami pets on sticks. And I suck at tracing out of coloring books. And the kids color faster than I can trace. The last art therapist who volunteered at the hospital got fired! A volunteer! Got fired! And how? Because she started yelling at the kids. Can you imagine? These sick kids who have travelled hours upon hours to get to Siem Reap are getting yelled at for wanting too many pictures to color. I can imagine. Sometimes I just want to cry. What am I really doing for these kids? What the hell am I doing here? Wouldn't someone who actually has a degree in art therapy be of more help? Yes. Me. I have a camera. And Monday's coming soon - yet again. Another Monday where I leave my camera in my room on my desk. What the hell am I doing here?