the gravity of water

burning bridges seems to be a business of mine. when the embers stop glowing, i just build another bridge. a different bridge to a different place. and a short distance down that path, i light another match. this is something i'm just now beginning to see, but it's something i've done since i was a child. it's clearer to me now because, it seems that instead of starting the fire from 100 yards away, in the way that i used to, over the years i have gotten closer and closer to the flames. i feel the heat more now than in the past. and most recently, i lit the damn match while i was halfway across. and the fires, these new fires, they burn in slow-motion.

i found a girl once, on the side of the road. i could see the horse running all alone further down the pavement. her face was in the dirt, her ass in the air, her neck bent 90 degrees. i just stood there. my mind had separated itself from my body. i stood there. staring at her. frozen. i don't remember taking a single breath. i don't recall whether or not my heart was even beating. i just stood there.

i can remember that feeling, relive it, as if it were all happening again, right now, all the time, in every moment of my life. it's the same feeling i get when i'm standing on one of these burning bridges. no connection between my body and mind. my emotions paralyzing me. water all around me, everywhere. but i stand still; my eyes full and on fire. my heart will not tell my head to tell my arm to reach out.

i just stood there staring at her. i was the only one. just me, my feet, three feet away from hers. i could not move myself. gravity finally took over. i collapsed. fell to my knees. sunk my fingernails in the dirt and crawled up beside her paled and pained face. i took a breath. asked for her name. i had done it. found a way to reach out for the bucket. but i had waited too long. the heat had stolen the water. no response. i used one hand to remove her hair from in front of her eyes, careful to not touch her face. i saw her. she was young. my age. again, i asked for her name. nothing. just my voice and her shallow, uneasy breaths. and there, on the side of the road, the tears came.

unable to save her. unable to save myself. paralyzed.

something meaningful

so i've been pretty depressed lately and i've finally figured it out. i can't stand working a crappy job for nine hours a day for $6.75 an hour. imagine that. and a job where, no matter what you do, there's always something wrong with it. that's called a corporate job...making coffee for a big-wig brown bean business. yeah. i can't believe the trouble you can get into for pressing a single button on a cash register. ridiculous. and the fact that i work with so many people who actually believe in the crap is unreal. it makes me sad. i see these young kids doing this job, falling into line, following the DUMBASS leader. it's not me. and they are surprised at me. all of a sudden, i am the rebellious employee that needs to be watched and tracked. give me a break. what? because i think for myself, i've committed some horrible crime? well, today was my first day taking control of the adult group at the rehab center (my other job...that i actually find joy and meaning in doing). and it went too well. i left there wishing that i felt every day the way i felt leaving that place. that's the way life should be. maybe it is totally selfish. i mean, it is. feeling that good is selfish. but i love feeling like i'm doing something that matters to someone else. i can't imagine spending a lifetime trying to please someone through a cup of coffee when there are actual problems in the world. there are people who need me. people who need you. they're everywhere. being able to be that person,..being in a place where you CAN be that person...i feel totally blessed. this is what i want to do with my life. i'm dropping off my portfolio at the local newspapers tomorrow and if they show any interest AT ALL, i'm saying goodbye to that coffee company forever. hell, i want to say goodbye anyway. but the way this country works, you have nothing without a constant inflow of greenbacks. isn't it funny, the things we must do, the parts of ourselves we must compromise, in order to survive in this backwards nation?. i think so. it's depressing. no wonder so many people have such a hard time finding a reason to smile. i've found mine. and my happiness, my peace of mind is worth so much more than a dead white man's face.