the gravity of water

burning bridges seems to be a business of mine. when the embers stop glowing, i just build another bridge. a different bridge to a different place. and a short distance down that path, i light another match. this is something i'm just now beginning to see, but it's something i've done since i was a child. it's clearer to me now because, it seems that instead of starting the fire from 100 yards away, in the way that i used to, over the years i have gotten closer and closer to the flames. i feel the heat more now than in the past. and most recently, i lit the damn match while i was halfway across. and the fires, these new fires, they burn in slow-motion.

i found a girl once, on the side of the road. i could see the horse running all alone further down the pavement. her face was in the dirt, her ass in the air, her neck bent 90 degrees. i just stood there. my mind had separated itself from my body. i stood there. staring at her. frozen. i don't remember taking a single breath. i don't recall whether or not my heart was even beating. i just stood there.

i can remember that feeling, relive it, as if it were all happening again, right now, all the time, in every moment of my life. it's the same feeling i get when i'm standing on one of these burning bridges. no connection between my body and mind. my emotions paralyzing me. water all around me, everywhere. but i stand still; my eyes full and on fire. my heart will not tell my head to tell my arm to reach out.

i just stood there staring at her. i was the only one. just me, my feet, three feet away from hers. i could not move myself. gravity finally took over. i collapsed. fell to my knees. sunk my fingernails in the dirt and crawled up beside her paled and pained face. i took a breath. asked for her name. i had done it. found a way to reach out for the bucket. but i had waited too long. the heat had stolen the water. no response. i used one hand to remove her hair from in front of her eyes, careful to not touch her face. i saw her. she was young. my age. again, i asked for her name. nothing. just my voice and her shallow, uneasy breaths. and there, on the side of the road, the tears came.

unable to save her. unable to save myself. paralyzed.

something meaningful

so i've been pretty depressed lately and i've finally figured it out. i can't stand working a crappy job for nine hours a day for $6.75 an hour. imagine that. and a job where, no matter what you do, there's always something wrong with it. that's called a corporate job...making coffee for a big-wig brown bean business. yeah. i can't believe the trouble you can get into for pressing a single button on a cash register. ridiculous. and the fact that i work with so many people who actually believe in the crap is unreal. it makes me sad. i see these young kids doing this job, falling into line, following the DUMBASS leader. it's not me. and they are surprised at me. all of a sudden, i am the rebellious employee that needs to be watched and tracked. give me a break. what? because i think for myself, i've committed some horrible crime? well, today was my first day taking control of the adult group at the rehab center (my other job...that i actually find joy and meaning in doing). and it went too well. i left there wishing that i felt every day the way i felt leaving that place. that's the way life should be. maybe it is totally selfish. i mean, it is. feeling that good is selfish. but i love feeling like i'm doing something that matters to someone else. i can't imagine spending a lifetime trying to please someone through a cup of coffee when there are actual problems in the world. there are people who need me. people who need you. they're everywhere. being able to be that person,..being in a place where you CAN be that person...i feel totally blessed. this is what i want to do with my life. i'm dropping off my portfolio at the local newspapers tomorrow and if they show any interest AT ALL, i'm saying goodbye to that coffee company forever. hell, i want to say goodbye anyway. but the way this country works, you have nothing without a constant inflow of greenbacks. isn't it funny, the things we must do, the parts of ourselves we must compromise, in order to survive in this backwards nation?. i think so. it's depressing. no wonder so many people have such a hard time finding a reason to smile. i've found mine. and my happiness, my peace of mind is worth so much more than a dead white man's face.

hmmm.

what is this distance that keeps us from knowing ourselves? where are we really when we're lost in thought but not really thinking? are we always waiting to be delivered from the place we find ourselves? harbouring so many things, deep seeded feelings, that we make such an honest effort to avoid the thought of the things we must face in order to grow. if it is only myself who can truly know where my happiness lies, why are there so many people chiming in...so many people who think they have the answer. what are they answering to? i'm still searching for the questions. and i'm enjoying the search. the arrival at realization is like reaching the peak of a high and rocky mountain. i want to rejoice, to take it all in, to open my arms wide and feel that wind blow across my face. because everyone knows the wind feels different at the top of the mountain.

back to the bracelets.

wow. i've never felt less like myself in a long time. i'm working at a large corporation. doing the things that now, i can't imagine doing after an experience like cambodia. and i can't complain. because i'm here. i put myself here. i'm not this person anymore. i'm on the road to knowing who i am.....finally....and this is not it. this person that everyone expects me to be, expects that i can be. i am not. i know who i am now. that is what cambodia did for me. and now i am here. so what do you do? what does anyone do in this situation? do you bear down and just keep moving in the direction you're going? or do you make the tough decision? it's funny. when i was in cambodia, everyone was proud of me....scared for me,......but proud of me. now that i'm home, no one knows what to think. and i'm, again, just thinking of myself. tonight i was reminded of the girl with the gold bracelets. and i cried. and cried. i have avoided thinking of her. as i think most people trying to be sane would do. but i cannot avoid her any longer. and now i understand why. funny thing is....there are butterflies everywhere.

packing up the jetta

one more week in san francisco. truth be told, i'm excited to get out of here. never thought i would say that. but i'm excited to start the next journey....and i don't feel like that next journey has much to do with san francisco. i love this city. i will always love it. but i moved on and didn't realize it until i got settled in...well, as settled in as possible in two months time. i know i'm just biding my time here. so, on saturday next week, i'll be driving the jetta across the bay bridge headed toward vegas to pick up miss annalisa from the airport, party down and celebrate paulina's wedding in sin city, and then drive mama back home to iowa city (via the long route). then on to florida. start the new job. register for classes. get started on applications for my masters. all the while, the big secret is that i'm just wondering when i will return to cambodia.

help the children of the AHC and BUY MY PHOTOGRAPHS!!!!

HEY FRIENDS!

I've decided to put my images from the Angkor Hospital for Children up on myspace for an impromptu sale. I'm hoping to raise money for the AHC by donating 100% of the proceeds from the prints back to the hospital. The photographs are $35/each. All prints measure 11x14inches. This sale is meant for myfriends on myspace to have a way to chip in and help out the kids in cambodia. Please, if each of you buy just one print, think of how much we could, collectively, help the kids of the Khmer provinces.

The images can be viewed on my myspace profile page under the "i'd like to meet" title. Please take a moment to look at the images and think seriously about purchasing one. if for nothing else, than to help give medical care to the children of cambodia's countryside.

Email me with your request for prints (denote the number of the print you would like) and I will respond to your email with methods of payment and estimated arrival of print(s). WE CAN ALL MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

LANDSLIDE IN SAN FRANCISCO

the landslide that occured yesterday, happened about three blocks from our apartment on the same hill we live on. and tonight we felt a shift. could've been a quake. but that would've been a big quake. there's a lot of earth moving up here. they say the big one's coming. we're starting to think maybe they're right.

Opportunity

You know, it's strange how things just seem to come together when you're really sure that they absolutely won't. It looks like I may have a very good job opportunity back in Florida (which is great, because I'm heading back there to work on my master's toward art therapy). The best part is that it is doing PHOTO therapy. And let me tell you, I don't think there are a lot of jobs out there for "photo" therapy just yet. So this is great news! Great News!

The Winds of Change

Sitting here at my computer in my room that looms over the city of San Francisco. I arrived in the city about three weeks ago. Four days after I moved my things from my car to my new bedroom, I realized what my next step is going to be. And I'm not taking it here in San Francisco. I will pack my car back up and head back across the states...back to Florida. Back to my father's house. One more year. One year of doing post-bac work so that I can apply for my Master's in Art Therapy. And I plan to work with kids. I hope to work with kids. I hope to return to the hospital better equipped to help those kids deal with life, with living. Something tells me I never would've discovered this had I not first made the roadtrip back out here to San Francisco. I don't think I would've figured out the puzzle. So I've taken for myself what San Francisco had left to offer me and now I will begin a new journey back to an old place.