The flights from Seoul into the States were the most annoying ones of the entire trip. And, with the holidays and the heightened security of the U.S. airports, I expected nothing less. I made it to the gate in Chicago just in time to catch my last flight home to Orlando, only to arrive there and realize that no one was there to greet me. Oh well. I'm a big girl. I can get my luggage and drag it outside all by myself and call my ride to remind them to come get me. As soon as I pulled my luggage out to the street (because the Orlando airport is the only airport in the world that makes you pay for a luggage cart!) my dad pulled up in his big Ford truck, which was really bizarre, by the way. He got out, we hugged, he grabbed my bags and threw them in the back and I opened the passenger side door and climbed in. And that was the beginning of me wanting to be back in Cambodia.
After a few days of being home, I realized that this was going to be more difficult than I thought. I was sleeping during the day and up at night. My family, of course, wanted to spend time together as soon as I got back, so I spent a lot of time walking through restaurants and houses looking like (and feeling like) a complete zombie. Last night, two weeks to the day of my leaving Siem Reap, was the first night that I slept on a more normal schedule (10pm-7am). WAHOO!!!! I did it!
Well, in between my arriving in Florida and this morning, I have not exactly gotten this all figured out. In fact, I'm terrified of living in this place again after being in Cambodia. Make no mistake, it's been wonderful seeing my family. But I changed in Cambodia. I'm more my own person now. And having the same kind of conversations with people that I had before I left for Cambodia, it just doesn't work anymore. I'm not judging the people. I'm judging the quality of my own life here against what it was just a few weeks ago. And I know I'm in complete control over that. But there is a difficulty in the people in your life not understanding...there's something difficult about returning to a place where everyone expects you to be the same person you were before you left and treating you the same and wanting to have the same kinds of conversations, when you have changed. I don't want to walk backwards down the road I'm walking on.
I had a dream last night that I was back in Cambodia. But, for some reason, I didn't know what to do. Then, I realized, I needed to get back into the hospital. I could just walk back in there and start working again. And this feeling of relief came over me. Then I woke up, took my hot shower (which I'm realizing that I don't like as much as I thought I would), and sat down in front of my computer to try and reconnect, through words, to the place that I have left...the place where I left the better part of myself.
