I feel .....Something. This experience was ......Something. I am in a space that I can't quite explain. I'm ready to go home. Ready to see my family. I have four days left. Four days to make things right, to laugh the laughs, to dance with friends, to drink Angkor Beer, to reminisce with the people who understand, to take pictures, to paint ceiling tiles, to play with the kids, to talk with the staff, to be misunderstood, to misunderstand, to walk through the Wat, to listen to the monks chant at 6am, to sit on the side of the road and watch the slow and beautiful Cambodian life pass me by. Last night was my first and only breakdown so far. I think I had gotten so ahead of myself, getting excited to come home, and I didn't realize right away what I was leaving behind. This is the end of this experience. And the end only ever exists to usher in a new beginning, but this ending is the most powerful one I've ever tried to bring to a close.
I spent most of yesterday partying with 149 people...staff and volunteers from the hospital. We were celebrating. It was a time for us all to come together and rejoice in the fact that we simply knew one another...that we were all in the same place at the same time and how wonderful and precious a thing that is. We drank....everyone drank. And no one can drink quite like the Khmer...which is kind of hilarious because they are all drunk after one beer, but they just keep on drinking. A few hours in, after the meal and a lot of beer, we were having egg races and playing other games you would only really think to play as a child. The really beautiful thing is that we were all playing because we wanted to, because we were having fun, because we were truly enjoying each other and that time together. We danced the traditional Khmer dance in a circle around a table. Did I mention that we laughed? Alot? We stayed there for hours. The volunteers were the last to leave, and I think, rightfully so, as we will be the first to go. Our place here is so impermanent and so temporary, it's difficult to know really how much you are doing for a place like this, for people who know how to live so much better than you do. But I've done what I could. I hope. I pray that I've done something good for this hospital. I know I've done something insurmountable for myself. Making the choice to come here was the smartest thing I've ever done, even though, at times, I really thought otherwise.
I am so grateful, and so saddened, and so healed all at the same time...in a way that I never expected or planned on. I'm leaving here a different person than when I came. And I don't ever want to go back.
